christmas is the time of year...

Christmas is the time of year
For being with the one's we love
Sharing so much joy and cheer
What a wonderful feelin
Watching the one's we love
Having so much fun

But what happens when the ones you love have gone on before you?

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I loved seeing the lights, the trees, the decorations. I loved driving around to look at lights, sipping hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music. I loved watching Christmas movies. People generally seem to be in the Christmas spirit and are nicer to one another. I've never minded the crowds or the hustle and bustle of Christmas, I enjoyed being around others, shopping and the all around mood of the season. I loved taking the kids the kids to see the mall Santa.

This time last year, I was dreaming of how different this Christmas would be. I was thinking that 2017 would be our best year yet. We would once again have a baby in the house, a baby celebrating his first Christmas. I would have one more little one to buy for, one more little one to coordinate an outfit for a visit to see Santa, one more baby to love. One more name on our yearly family ornament.

When I dreamed of how this Christmas would be different, I never even imagined that it would be this kind of different.

I saw this on a Facebook page of another bereaved mother, and I instantly connected with her and all of the other loss moms. In one split second, I connected with  moms from all over the world that I've never even met. I felt closer to them at that moment than I have to people I have known for my entire life.

The holiday season has begun

but something doesn't feel right,

Baby's First Christmas is around the corner

but my baby is nowhere in sight.

Holidays are different now,

they've lost some color and cheer.

Happiness is still present

but it's joined by heartache and tears.

This isn't the Christmas I pictured,

or the wonderland I saw in my dreams,

because my arms are empty

and my heart stitched with crooked seams.

Christmas lights don't shine as bright,

the songs are hard to hear.

Words like "Merry" and "Joy"

don't bring me holiday cheer.

This Christmas isn't the same for me,

my heartache grows as the holiday nears.

Because this is my Baby's First Christmas

but my baby isn't here.
-Evelyn Noelle

I don't think this could have been more perfect, even if I had written it myself. I just cannot seem to get into the "Christmas Spirit" this year. It doesn't seem like Christmas at all. Part of my world is missing. We have started our annual Christmas traditions already and I just cannot seem to kick this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, sorrow and despair. I'm surrounded by a family who loves me, my home is filled with a husband and children who adore me. I am sad. I am broken. I miss my boy so much. It physically hurts.

I have been trying to find the perfect ornament for him. I want a special ornament for our tree for Holden, for his first Christmas, just like I have for my other children. None of them seem right. I have searched all of my normal places and I keep coming up empty. Nothing seems to fit, I don't love them. I want to love it. I want it to make me happy when I see it . One of my oldest, and dearest friends made an ornament for him and it is perfect, I love it and I love her for making it, but I also want him to have a first Christmas ornament like his siblings. Everything just seems so hard. We picked out our 2017 family ornament, I cried. It seems like lately everything hits me like a punch in the gut. I can no longer seem to make it through an entire day. I know it is because Christmas is coming, and  he isn't here.

I want to do something to honor him this Christmas, something special. I have no idea what I want to do. Nothing I think of seems to be "good enough" or "special enough" for my perfect boy. What I really want is for him to be here, with me, with us. I thought it would be getting a little easier by now, I thought I would think of him and smile. Instead, I get up every morning to have my heart break all over again.

It's been 11 months. My baby would be 11 months old today, but instead, he's been in heaven for 11 months. Exactly one month from today, it will have been 1 whole year since I saw his perfect little face, held his tiny little body and kissed him hello, and goodbye.

forty-seven...

We Remember...
the babies born sleeping,
those we carried but never held,
those we held but could not take home,
those who came home but could not stay.

I lit candles, not only for my babies, but for the babies of women everywhere. For my friends, for my family.

If you, or someone you know, has had a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a lost baby or child, would you please either message me, or leave a comment here? I would like to personally pray for each of you by name. Our family prayed for you, as a group, but I would like to pray for you by name. If you named your baby/child, please leave his or her name as well.

 

This was a Facebook post I made on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I want to help shatter the silence. After I made this post, I started adding names to a list. I had a few women message me, or comment on the post, but I also added names of women that I knew to my list. To date, I have added 47, FORTY-SEVEN, names to my list.

I did a little research and my results were staggering:

• There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the US every year
• 900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year
• More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage
• Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth
• Approximately 19,000 end in infant death during the first month
• Approximately 39,000 end in infant death during the first year
• Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss.

(This information was found on hopeexchange(dot)com)

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I want to shatter the silence. I want to bring light to this taboo subject. Why is it so hard to talk about these losses? Women should not feel alone during the worst time of their life.

I am the face. I am 1 in 4. Many times over. I should not feel ashamed for speaking of my babies who are no longer with us. I should not have to worry that I will offend someone or make someone uncomfortable when I say Holden's name. They are my children, he is my son, just as much so as my six living children. I would never hesitate to tell anyone about my older son's accomplishments as a musician. I would never think twice about telling someone how proud I am of my oldest daughter, she graduated college and now has a full time job. I would never worry about telling a friend about my day with my younger children, or how funny and charming they are, or how much they are driving me crazy on any given day. Why should I have to filter my thoughts when mentioning Holden in the same way. Sure, he isn't here, and I don't have those same kinds of stories to tell about him, but I wish I did. I should be able to share with friends and family, and strangers, that I love him, and I miss him, and I wish he was here. Same goes for all of these other women who have experienced the same losses that I have. We love our babies and we just want to be able to share them with the ones we love. They are and always will be a huge part of our lives.

To you, it may seem like we are obsessing about our angel babies, but to us, it is all we have. Words, some hospital mementos, a few pictures, a teddy bear or a set of footprints might be all we have left of our precious little ones. Talking about them helps us to feel like they are still here with us. I have heard so many people say that they don't want to mention Holden's name for fear of making me sad. I promise you, you won't make me sad, I might cry or get emotional, but it won't make me sad. What makes me sad is the fear of others forgetting my precious boy. To others he may not have existed, but to me, and to my family, he does, and he always will. We may not be able to see him, but we feel his presence in so many things we do. We will live the rest of our lives without him, but remembering him in any way we can. We will honor him in things we do.

The other night, I was in my bible study small group and there were only 4 of us in attendance. In that group of 4 women, 3 of us had suffered at least one pregnancy loss. In the past year, I have learned about so many more women who have suffered in silence because they did not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Think about how sad that is for a minute. When you go through one of the hardest things you will ever go through, think about how you would feel if you had to walk through it alone. My first loss was over 21 years ago, my most recent being just this year. In the last 21 years, I have tried to be an advocate for women who have experienced loss. I have made countless friends through my losses, and my friendships with several old friends has deepened because of our losses.

1 in 4. Think about that number. Help me shatter the silence. No one should have to suffer in silence.

If you would like for me to add you to my prayer list, please message me or leave a comment here. I would be honored to pray for you.

one year ago...yesterday

One year ago yesterday, I found out I was once again expecting. To say I was shocked and surprised is an understatement. I was excited none the less. It had been 6 years since I had been pregnant last. I guess that would explain the range of emotions I had been experiencing that last week. I'm not sure why, but I was a bit nervous to tell my husband the news. That was short lived, as soon as I broke the news to him, he was immediately smiling and happy. He told me that he had come to the realization a long time ago that we would always have babies in our home, and it didn't really matter how they got here.

My entire pregnancy was a wild roller coaster ride of emotions. I was over the moon excited, followed by fear when I began to bleed early on, soon to be somewhat relieved when the bleeding stopped and everything was fine once again. Then we found out my precious little bundle was another sweet boy. I was able to start bonding with him on a different level, he had a name, a personality and we had a plan for him.

This next few months is going to be a different kind of emotion for me. I will begin to see memories pop up on social media. I have already started to feel the wrath of some of those memories. Today was a hard day. I am sure it won't start to ease up again until after his "birth" day rolls around.

This thing called grief is a hard pill to swallow, a hard road to travel, a lonely place to be. A lot has changed in my life this year. Some for the better, some not so much. I am not the same person I was before we lost Holden, I have come to realize that I will never again be that person. I think I am ok with that. The person I was before put too much emphasis on things that were not so important. The new me only lets in things that mean the most. The thing I do miss about the old me is the general feeling of happiness. That part of me has been replaced. I realize that I will never be 100% happy here on this earth again. I don't mean that to say that I am necessarily "unhappy" now, I just mean that a piece of me will always be missing while I am on this earth.

I had a friend recently say these words to me and she will never know how much they mean to me, and how much she means to me. I hope that she doesn't mind that I am sharing them here.

"You have so much love and Godly wisdom to share with the world. I am so proud of you for being the picture of a mother in all ways. I have learned that God uses the broken to build up others and you are an inspiration to me and so many more. One day when you have two seconds to breathe, you should write down your story and turn it into a book. There are so many women out there that could benefit from knowing that they are NOT alone on this island. You have been given wonderful gifts in your children, but that never takes away the pain and sting of those that would never have a chance to bless this world."

To hear someone that I admire, say those words to me was surreal. I don't see myself in that way at all. I see a broken down woman, barely able to keep her head above water. Sometimes not even wanting to get out of bed each day, much less having the energy to think about witnessing to or inspiring others.

This last year has been hard. This last year has been harder than hard. This last year has been absolute hell. The worst year of my life. To think that I might have been some sort of an inspiration to someone, even in my darkest time, says a lot to me. It reminds me that each of us has a job to do, no matter what we are going through, we are not alone. Someone is always watching us, watching how we handle things. It is our job to make sure what they are seeing is our best, even when we are at our worst.

I don't know why I lost my sweet boy, I may never know, or at least not until I am standing at the feet of God, but while I am still here, I will do my very best to do right by him, and by my Lord and Savior. I will not let his loss be in vain. I will be there for others as best I can be. I will spread all of the love I can. I will be the best person I can be, even on my darkest days. I will love on the women who have been through what I have. I will remember and honor my boy all the days of my life. I love you, Holden Zayne and I miss you so much it physically hurts. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

stress makes you believe...faith reassures you...

I saw this quote, and it really speaks to me. "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen right now. Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's timing!" That is deep for me right now. I have never been a person who was good at sitting and waiting for things to happen, especially things that I wanted, or thought I needed. This quote really hits home with me right now though. In my last post, I asked for prayers. I asked for prayers because we need direction. I asked for prayers because there are a lot of things going on in our life right now, things that we cannot handle on our own. We need a change in our lives, I know God is in control, but sometimes it is hard to sit and wait. I am trying. I am trying to sit, and I am trying to wait. We know in our hearts that good things are coming, we don't know when, but we know they are. We don't know why we are going through the things we are, we just have to trust that things will get better.

This year has been hard. I would say the worst year I have ever had, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have tried to be open, honest and transparent in our struggles, or at least in my own struggles. I don't feel that it is fair that I share anyone else's struggles, that is their story to tell.

This year, I have experienced a lot of loss. I have experienced the loss of a child. I have experienced the loss of the security I once felt. I have experienced the loss of friendships and  acquaintances. I have experienced the loss of a social life that I once enjoyed. I have experienced the loss of an every day normal that I once took advantage of. I have experienced losses that I am not yet ready to share, and that I may never be ready to share.

Through the loss and heartbreak, I have tried to remain positive and faithful. I have tried to remain faithful to what I believe. I am only human and sometimes that is hard. I am not saying that my faith was rocked, or that for once I did not believe that there is a loving, faithful and compassionate God. I am saying that I did question why we have had the year from hell, I did question why I have had to suffer so many losses in my life. I did question, why me?? I did question why my baby? I have questioned, why my life, why our life? I don't know the answers, I don't know why half of my babies are in heaven, I don't know why our life took the turn it did, I probably never will. Each time I start to feel helpless, I remember that there is a God who loves me. I know there is a plan for my life, I don't know what that plan is, but I know it is there.

A lot of things have changed in our lives this year, most of them have not been for the better, but I try to remain positive. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I have six happy, healthy, and beautiful living children, I have an amazing husband and a loving family and wonderful friends.  

Since my last post asking for prayers, there have been no clear answers or clear direction for us. I ask that you continue to pray for us. We have a lot going on and we still need that direction and clarity.

Meanwhile, I am going to try to remember that everything happens in God's perfect timing, not my own.

mia...

I've been MIA lately. It seems like life has been ridiculously busy. I finally feel like things are starting to slow back down, thankfully. Nothing really new or exciting has been happening either, just busy. Sometimes busy is a blessing. Sometimes busy keeps my mind out of my own head. But sometimes, busy is just too much. Lately, our busy has been a little much for me.

Our busy lately has kept us away from home, or kept us away from each other. A lot. That is the kind of busy I don't do well with. I am still not where I want to spend time around a lot of other people. That has just been a personal choice for me. I will say though that I am doing a little better around people in general. We had several days worth of dance recitals last weekend and I enjoyed getting to see the kids show off what they have been working so hard on these last few months. Our oldest son has been having quite a few live shows lately and I have really enjoyed those as well. Listening to him do what he loves to do always puts a smile on my face. It takes me to a place I like to be. It removes me from my reality, even if only for a little while. I was able to get out one morning last week and spend some much needed adult only time with a sweet friend. That was nice, and I got pretty toes out of the deal too!

Things have been weird lately. I cannot really describe it. Weird seems to be the best description. It's kind of like I am walking around in a cloud of altered reality. I am not completely numb, but I am indifferent I guess. I seem to have less tolerance for outside things  than I did before and I am not completely sure how I feel about that. I mean, the lack of drama has been nice, but I don't feel like "me" either. There has to be a middle ground, and I guess eventually I will figure out what that is. It seems to take such effort to do anything outside the comfort of my home and my people. On the flip side, things between my husband and I have never been better. Not that they were ever bad, or even not good, just different. Deeper. I am heartbroken at the circumstances, but I am happy with the outcome of our relationship. That may sound weird, but I have heard in so many instances, that death of a child or certain traumas can, and do, tear relationships apart. I am happy that we are not part of those statistics.

We have faced a lot of trauma this year, not only the loss of a child, but a change in other areas of our personal life. Shortly after losing Holden, we were faced with making some hard, and possible life altering decisions. We have been struggling to keep our heads above water, praying for things to change. Praying for answers and for direction in our lives. We still don't know what those answers are, but we are praying that God will reveal them to us soon. I am beyond blessed to be able to walk through this life with my best friend, with him, I feel like I can do anything.  

I am asking you, if you are reading this, would you please pray for us? Pray that we will get the answers to the questions we have. Pray that we will receive the direction that we so desperately need right now. So many things are up in the air right now and there are so many unknowns.

Please know that we (our family, our marriage, our health) are ok. We are just facing some life changes that we are not ready to publicly share.

Thank you friends!

my husband

My husband is amazing. I know everyone thinks that way about their husbands, or at least they should, but I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world. My husband has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me this year. I honestly do not know how I would have made it through any of this without him. He has always been my rock, my knight in shining armor and the love of my life, but this year, he has really stepped it up and taken on a new role. I assume part of it is because I have recently stepped down from some of mine. I have always been a strong, independent person. I have never fully had to rely on anyone for anything. I have always just looked out for myself and taken care of things. This year, that seems so much harder for me. I find myself relying on my husband for emotional support like never before. I find myself leaning on him just to make it through the day. I find myself relying on him for emotional stability.

We have always been close. He's always been my best friend. We have always done everything together and tried to spend every moment possible together and with our family.  Since losing Holden though, it has moved to a different level of closeness. I feel a deeper connection to him than I ever have. A closeness that I just cannot explain. I have heard so many people say that the loss of a child will do one of two things to your marriage; tear it apart or make it stronger. I am so very blessed to be walking beside such a strong Godly man during this horrific time in our lives. He has lead our family with such tenderness and love. He has had a lot piled on him this year and I am so very proud of the way he has handled all of it. He is processing things in his own way, and that is his story to tell.

I wish I could go back and undo all of the horrific things that we have been through this year, but I can't. No parents should ever have to go through what we have. No parent should have to say goodbye to their child. That isn't the way life is supposed to happen, but it does. I am just thankful that I have the most amazing man to join me along this journey. If one positive thing has come from any of this, it's the new depth of our relationship. That part I would never change. I have never felt closer to my husband than I do now. I have never need him more than I do now.

I love him more than he will ever know. I love him most...

We have not had a weekend alone together in almost 13 years. We used to take weekends away together at least once a month, if not more, before our youngest set of kids came along. When our oldest two were younger, it was much easier to take a weekend for ourselves. Since the last group came along, it has been much harder. The ONLY times we have been away from the younger ones is when we have been at the hospital having another one. I wouldn't exactly call that a weekend alone. Finally, after almost 13 years, we are taking some time away. Just the two of us. I am looking forward to our time alone. I am excited about getting some time for just the two of us. I will admit, I am a bit nervous about being away from our babies, but I am ready. This guy is amazing and I can't wait to have him all to myself!

May 26, 2017

My caesarean section was scheduled for Friday, May 26th, 2017. We should have been meeting our sweet boy that morning around 7:30am. Instead, we spent the day trying to honor him in the best way we knew how.

We had some things to take care of that morning. My husband was going to go tend to them by himself, but it worked out that I was able to go with him. We got a much  needed morning to ourselves. We ran a few errands then had lunch. After lunch, we came home and picked up the kids. After much debate, we finally decided to release balloons and each of us would attach a note that we had personally written to Holden.

It wasn't exactly what I had planned to do for the day, but it turned out to be a really sweet tribute to our boy. The kids really enjoyed getting to be a huge part of the day. They miss him and I am glad we can do things to make them feel connected to their baby brother.

I spent the rest of the day with my wonderful husband. We have really been needing some time alone. One of the kids had a long evening of dance and one had a show so we were able to have dinner while we waited to pick up and drop off the first kid, then head to the show afterward. It was a nice break from reality.

While we were out, I got a call saying that I had received flowers. My dear friend sent me the most beautiful flowers. She has always been such a blessing to me.

One thing that has been a constant source of joy for me since our loss has been our oldest son's music. He has been having shows pretty consistently, that gives me something to look forward to. I can get lost in the music and let my mind relax. Most of the time when my mind rests, it tends to go to places of sadness and darkness. I am thankful that I have an outlet for those days when things seem to be at their worst. I am able to find pure joy and happiness in my children and my husband.

May 26th ended up being nothing like I had ever imagined it would be. I imagined holding my precious newborn son and introducing him to his adoring siblings. I imagined what he would look like. I imagined what it would be like seeing him for the first time, discovering who he most looked like. I imagined a tiny, sweet baby boy nuzzling me and looking at me to protect him from the world around him. I imagined seeing the look on his daddy's face the very first time he saw him. I imagined his older siblings fighting over who was going to hold him first. I imagined what it would be like to have a brand new beautiful baby boy.

Instead, I spent my day trying to make it through...I am grateful that I got to spend it with the ones I love the most.

just when I think I'm doing ok...

Just when I think I'm doing ok, my world turns upside down again. I have had some really good days lately, and I have had some really bad days lately. Everything seems to be a reminder of my sweet boy, and I love that. I don't ever want a day to go by that I don't think of him.

The other night, my husband and I met the sweetest lady. We were walking around in a store killing time and she was giving away samples. We stopped to have a sample and started chatting with her. She saw my ring and asked about it. At first, she asked it if was a mood ring. I took a deep breath and explained to her that it was a ring that contained my son's ashes. She immediately got tears in her eyes. She said she was sorry for my loss and went on to tell us that she had just recently lost her son as well. He was in his 30's and from what we gathered from the conversation, it was a sudden loss. She was so proud of her son. She explained to us that he was adopted when he was just two weeks old and that he was the light of her life. He was a missionary and also worked as a children's pastor. She showed us a picture of him. His smile lit up the picture, he was her pride and joy. She said she called him her SONshine. My heart broke for this sweet lady. She understood my pain. We ended up staying and talking with her for nearly an hour. She brightened my gloomy day. There are angels all around us. There we stood, in the middle of a liquor store, on the day I was supposed to have been delivering my sweet boy, crying with a lady we had just met. As we talked, I told her that I was glad she had been blessed with 30 something years with her sweet boy, she told me that she wished I had been blessed with the same. I needed to hear that. I am honored to have met such a sweet lady. It was nice being able to talk about Holden without the fear that I was making someone uncomfortable. Parents just want to be able to speak freely about their children. She thanked us for listening and we embraced for a sweet hug.

I try to keep myself busy so my mind doesn't go to dark places. I do pretty good at distracting myself for the most part, but there are times when my mind gets quiet and I replay the last almost 5 months. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. It just seems like we are going through a bad spot, but things will eventually get better like they always do. Then I remember that this won't get better. Sure, I know there will be a time when it doesn't seem so raw and fresh, but it won't ever be better. In the last few months, I have found myself searching the internet for articles on grief, pregnancy loss, miscarriages, stillbirths, and baby loss. I was looking for comfort, I was looking to find something that made me feel less alone, something that made me feel like someone out there understood what I was going through, even when I could not explain it myself; then one day, I found the most brilliant thing I have ever read about this whole thing called grief. I always said that I felt like the grief came in waves, then I found this, a perfect explanation. I don't know who wrote it, but they were reading my mind. I am going to include it here for others to read. My hope is that it will help others to understand. Some people think grief comes in stages, stages that are completed in a specific order, once you are finished with step one, you move on to step two, never to return to the step before and that just isn't the case.

"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people that can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they are further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you'll learn that you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks." -author unknown

This pretty much sums up exactly how I feel. The part about grief being like waves is spot on. Just when I think I'm doing ok, here comes one of those 100 foot waves. Thankfully, for the most part, the waves are not coming quite as often. Sadly, I never see them coming. I always come out on the other side. Spitting and sputtering, gasping for breath. Eyes puffy and red and face swollen, but I come out on the other side. My scars are deep because of the deep love I feel for my child. My scars are a beautiful reminder of a sweet boy that is waiting for me. My scars remind me that the past is real.

For me, grief does come in waves. Though I no longer feel like I am completely drowning, I do feel like I am just floating along, hanging on for dear life and merely surviving. One day I'll learn to swim again. I am still trying to find my new normal, but for now I am doing ok.

Memorial Service and Balloon Release for Holden Zayne

On our way to the church that morning, we had to make a stop to pick up some balloons to release. We were running late so we just stopped at our local grocery store instead of the party store I had hoped to visit. It wasn't her fault, but the lady helping us was not making me feel any better. She was moving so slow, I thought she would eventually go backward instead. I was on high alert, my mind was running a million miles an hour, my heart was racing and I was sweating. I was still getting dizzy when I stood for extended periods of time. The lady wanted to chat. She asked as we were picking colors, if there was anything we were trying to match. I told her we were going to a memorial service and balloon release for my son. She expressed her sympathies then said the unthinkable. She said to me, "Well, at least he's in a better place right now, and we all know everything happens for a reason." Before I knew what happened, I had snapped at her. I let her know real quick like that those were not the proper things to say to a grieving mother who was on the way to her son's funeral. She looked puzzled and quickly apologized. She finished up the balloons and we were on our way out of the store before she could say anything else.

We made it to the church early as we had hoped we would, met with the friend who was helping with the service and the pastor so we could go over a few things before we got started. We chose the location and they began to get things set up. Shorty after we arrived, friends and family started walking up. It was so hard being greeted with hugs and kind words. I needed them, but I just could not hold myself together. The service was perfect. It was exactly what I had hoped it would be. There were so many people there. We felt so loved and supported that day. I think it was what we needed to start our healing process. We had to have a chance to say a proper goodbye, while surrounded by our children, our family and our friends.

We chose these two poems for the service. We had our dear, sweet friends read them and they did an amazing job.

We're sending a balloon to heaven,
with a parcel on its string.
Be careful when you open it,
its full of beautiful things.
Inside are a million kisses,
wrapped up in a million hugs.
To say how much we miss you,
and to send you all our love.
We hold you close within our hearts

and there you will remain.

To walk with us throughout our life,

until we meet again.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning,

that God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly.

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

You did not go alone,

for part of us went with you,

the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

your love is still our guide

and though we cannot see you,

you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same

but as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

-Ron Tramner

After the service, everyone went out into the grassy area by where we were standing  to prepare to release our balloons. We had chosen a silver balloon for our angel, and we released that one first.

After we released our first balloon together, everyone watched as it floated up and out of sight. It was an intense feeling to release that balloon. In a sense, we were releasing our boy. We were telling him it was ok for him to go, and that we would be ok. I couldn't hold back the tears. Not that I would have ever chosen to walk this path, but since I was forced to, I couldn't have chosen a better person to walk with me, and sometimes carry me. My husband has always been my rock, but I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he has been through all of this. Our relationship has changed since losing Holden. I feel more vulnerable, more needy and more fragile than I ever have before. I never knew what it was like to have to depend on anyone for anything. I have always been a strong person who could work through things on my own. Losing Holden was nothing like I have ever experienced before, I felt broken and helpless. I needed him to care for me and be tender with me. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and protect me like never before.

We are so thankful to everyone who came out to love on us and support us on this beautiful day. Those that could not be there in person, chose to support us from afar and sent me dozens of photos and videos of balloons being released all over The United States. We felt so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support on that day as we said our goodbyes.

I put together a slide show of photos from the memorial. I hope you will watch. It still makes the tears flow every time I watch it. Just click play and the video will start. It's best viewed in full screen.

The song is Gone Too Soon, by Daughtry. It fits perfectly. I cannot listen to it without tears. I added the lyrics below.

Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry
Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've given all I had

Would've loved ya like no other
Who would you be?
What would you look like?
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you

Songwriters: MICHAEL BUSBEE, CHRIS DAUGHTRY