one year ago...yesterday

One year ago yesterday, I found out I was once again expecting. To say I was shocked and surprised is an understatement. I was excited none the less. It had been 6 years since I had been pregnant last. I guess that would explain the range of emotions I had been experiencing that last week. I'm not sure why, but I was a bit nervous to tell my husband the news. That was short lived, as soon as I broke the news to him, he was immediately smiling and happy. He told me that he had come to the realization a long time ago that we would always have babies in our home, and it didn't really matter how they got here.

My entire pregnancy was a wild roller coaster ride of emotions. I was over the moon excited, followed by fear when I began to bleed early on, soon to be somewhat relieved when the bleeding stopped and everything was fine once again. Then we found out my precious little bundle was another sweet boy. I was able to start bonding with him on a different level, he had a name, a personality and we had a plan for him.

This next few months is going to be a different kind of emotion for me. I will begin to see memories pop up on social media. I have already started to feel the wrath of some of those memories. Today was a hard day. I am sure it won't start to ease up again until after his "birth" day rolls around.

This thing called grief is a hard pill to swallow, a hard road to travel, a lonely place to be. A lot has changed in my life this year. Some for the better, some not so much. I am not the same person I was before we lost Holden, I have come to realize that I will never again be that person. I think I am ok with that. The person I was before put too much emphasis on things that were not so important. The new me only lets in things that mean the most. The thing I do miss about the old me is the general feeling of happiness. That part of me has been replaced. I realize that I will never be 100% happy here on this earth again. I don't mean that to say that I am necessarily "unhappy" now, I just mean that a piece of me will always be missing while I am on this earth.

I had a friend recently say these words to me and she will never know how much they mean to me, and how much she means to me. I hope that she doesn't mind that I am sharing them here.

"You have so much love and Godly wisdom to share with the world. I am so proud of you for being the picture of a mother in all ways. I have learned that God uses the broken to build up others and you are an inspiration to me and so many more. One day when you have two seconds to breathe, you should write down your story and turn it into a book. There are so many women out there that could benefit from knowing that they are NOT alone on this island. You have been given wonderful gifts in your children, but that never takes away the pain and sting of those that would never have a chance to bless this world."

To hear someone that I admire, say those words to me was surreal. I don't see myself in that way at all. I see a broken down woman, barely able to keep her head above water. Sometimes not even wanting to get out of bed each day, much less having the energy to think about witnessing to or inspiring others.

This last year has been hard. This last year has been harder than hard. This last year has been absolute hell. The worst year of my life. To think that I might have been some sort of an inspiration to someone, even in my darkest time, says a lot to me. It reminds me that each of us has a job to do, no matter what we are going through, we are not alone. Someone is always watching us, watching how we handle things. It is our job to make sure what they are seeing is our best, even when we are at our worst.

I don't know why I lost my sweet boy, I may never know, or at least not until I am standing at the feet of God, but while I am still here, I will do my very best to do right by him, and by my Lord and Savior. I will not let his loss be in vain. I will be there for others as best I can be. I will spread all of the love I can. I will be the best person I can be, even on my darkest days. I will love on the women who have been through what I have. I will remember and honor my boy all the days of my life. I love you, Holden Zayne and I miss you so much it physically hurts. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.