May 26, 2017

My caesarean section was scheduled for Friday, May 26th, 2017. We should have been meeting our sweet boy that morning around 7:30am. Instead, we spent the day trying to honor him in the best way we knew how.

We had some things to take care of that morning. My husband was going to go tend to them by himself, but it worked out that I was able to go with him. We got a much  needed morning to ourselves. We ran a few errands then had lunch. After lunch, we came home and picked up the kids. After much debate, we finally decided to release balloons and each of us would attach a note that we had personally written to Holden.

It wasn't exactly what I had planned to do for the day, but it turned out to be a really sweet tribute to our boy. The kids really enjoyed getting to be a huge part of the day. They miss him and I am glad we can do things to make them feel connected to their baby brother.

I spent the rest of the day with my wonderful husband. We have really been needing some time alone. One of the kids had a long evening of dance and one had a show so we were able to have dinner while we waited to pick up and drop off the first kid, then head to the show afterward. It was a nice break from reality.

While we were out, I got a call saying that I had received flowers. My dear friend sent me the most beautiful flowers. She has always been such a blessing to me.

One thing that has been a constant source of joy for me since our loss has been our oldest son's music. He has been having shows pretty consistently, that gives me something to look forward to. I can get lost in the music and let my mind relax. Most of the time when my mind rests, it tends to go to places of sadness and darkness. I am thankful that I have an outlet for those days when things seem to be at their worst. I am able to find pure joy and happiness in my children and my husband.

May 26th ended up being nothing like I had ever imagined it would be. I imagined holding my precious newborn son and introducing him to his adoring siblings. I imagined what he would look like. I imagined what it would be like seeing him for the first time, discovering who he most looked like. I imagined a tiny, sweet baby boy nuzzling me and looking at me to protect him from the world around him. I imagined seeing the look on his daddy's face the very first time he saw him. I imagined his older siblings fighting over who was going to hold him first. I imagined what it would be like to have a brand new beautiful baby boy.

Instead, I spent my day trying to make it through...I am grateful that I got to spend it with the ones I love the most.