Memorial Service and Balloon Release for Holden Zayne

On our way to the church that morning, we had to make a stop to pick up some balloons to release. We were running late so we just stopped at our local grocery store instead of the party store I had hoped to visit. It wasn't her fault, but the lady helping us was not making me feel any better. She was moving so slow, I thought she would eventually go backward instead. I was on high alert, my mind was running a million miles an hour, my heart was racing and I was sweating. I was still getting dizzy when I stood for extended periods of time. The lady wanted to chat. She asked as we were picking colors, if there was anything we were trying to match. I told her we were going to a memorial service and balloon release for my son. She expressed her sympathies then said the unthinkable. She said to me, "Well, at least he's in a better place right now, and we all know everything happens for a reason." Before I knew what happened, I had snapped at her. I let her know real quick like that those were not the proper things to say to a grieving mother who was on the way to her son's funeral. She looked puzzled and quickly apologized. She finished up the balloons and we were on our way out of the store before she could say anything else.

We made it to the church early as we had hoped we would, met with the friend who was helping with the service and the pastor so we could go over a few things before we got started. We chose the location and they began to get things set up. Shorty after we arrived, friends and family started walking up. It was so hard being greeted with hugs and kind words. I needed them, but I just could not hold myself together. The service was perfect. It was exactly what I had hoped it would be. There were so many people there. We felt so loved and supported that day. I think it was what we needed to start our healing process. We had to have a chance to say a proper goodbye, while surrounded by our children, our family and our friends.

We chose these two poems for the service. We had our dear, sweet friends read them and they did an amazing job.

We're sending a balloon to heaven,
with a parcel on its string.
Be careful when you open it,
its full of beautiful things.
Inside are a million kisses,
wrapped up in a million hugs.
To say how much we miss you,
and to send you all our love.
We hold you close within our hearts

and there you will remain.

To walk with us throughout our life,

until we meet again.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning,

that God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly.

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

You did not go alone,

for part of us went with you,

the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

your love is still our guide

and though we cannot see you,

you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same

but as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

-Ron Tramner

After the service, everyone went out into the grassy area by where we were standing  to prepare to release our balloons. We had chosen a silver balloon for our angel, and we released that one first.

After we released our first balloon together, everyone watched as it floated up and out of sight. It was an intense feeling to release that balloon. In a sense, we were releasing our boy. We were telling him it was ok for him to go, and that we would be ok. I couldn't hold back the tears. Not that I would have ever chosen to walk this path, but since I was forced to, I couldn't have chosen a better person to walk with me, and sometimes carry me. My husband has always been my rock, but I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he has been through all of this. Our relationship has changed since losing Holden. I feel more vulnerable, more needy and more fragile than I ever have before. I never knew what it was like to have to depend on anyone for anything. I have always been a strong person who could work through things on my own. Losing Holden was nothing like I have ever experienced before, I felt broken and helpless. I needed him to care for me and be tender with me. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and protect me like never before.

We are so thankful to everyone who came out to love on us and support us on this beautiful day. Those that could not be there in person, chose to support us from afar and sent me dozens of photos and videos of balloons being released all over The United States. We felt so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support on that day as we said our goodbyes.

I put together a slide show of photos from the memorial. I hope you will watch. It still makes the tears flow every time I watch it. Just click play and the video will start. It's best viewed in full screen.

The song is Gone Too Soon, by Daughtry. It fits perfectly. I cannot listen to it without tears. I added the lyrics below.

Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry
Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've given all I had

Would've loved ya like no other
Who would you be?
What would you look like?
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you

Songwriters: MICHAEL BUSBEE, CHRIS DAUGHTRY