today

No matter how long its been,

there are times it suddenly becomes harder to breathe.

today...I don't really like today. There really isn't any particular reason. I just feel sad. When I stop to think of what day of the week it is, I remember it is Thursday. Thursdays are always hard. Thursday was the day Holden was born.

For the past few weeks, I have just been weepy and emotional. Nothing really has to set me off, I don't really have to let my mind wander to a dark place, I don't have to think about my precious son or that I lost him. It just happens, the tears just start to flow. Sometimes I try to hold it in, sometimes I just let it go. I don't hide my emotions from my children, but I also don't want them to always see when I am upset. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking about it, I don't want to have to explain myself,  sometimes I want to just cry alone. My children really are the sweetest kids around, they are very tender hearted and caring. They have empathy for others and they love with all they have. It worries them to see me upset.

Part of me wonders if this new emotional, weepy part of me appeared suddenly because my due date is quickly approaching. Maybe my body knows what is supposed to be happening soon, but won't be. I don't know, I can't explain it.

Yesterday I got a phone call from the hospital, thankfully I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer. I did listen to the voicemail. I shouldn't have. It was a message letting me know what my part would be when I came to deliver my baby. Don't they have records, don't they know that I delivered my son four months ago, don't they know that there is no baby to deliver next week??

I can't really say that I like the person I have become lately. My normal extroverted personality hasn't been seen in months, I am moody, irritable, needy and downright cranky sometimes. I know it is normal. I can't even say if I am ready for the old me to come back. I really don't think I am; deep down, I don't even think it is possible for the old me to return. I am not that person anymore.  I don't want to leave home, I don't want to be around people. It's uncomfortable. I can say that I do hope that my desire to be around others returns though. I truly do enjoy other people. Today I do not feel joy, I feel sadness.

Tonight I am supposed to go to a support group for grieving mothers, for mothers who have been through things similar to what I have. I want to go, but I am afraid. I am afraid I won't be able to make it through the meeting. I am afraid to go alone. I am afraid of what will happen if I go, but I am more afraid of what will happen if I don't.

Today, I am a wreck.