sadness and joy

Not until you've lost a child

do you know how it feels to

be sad every single day...

even when you experience joy.

People often ask how I am doing. I often hesitate before answering. I am not always sure exactly what they are asking. A lot of times I just say "ok" whether or not I really mean it. Sometimes I say ok and I really do mean it. I am sad. I am sad every single day, even when I experience joy. Sometimes I even feel guilty for feeling happy.

This is nothing like anything I have ever gone through before. I have lost loved ones during my life, but the feelings were nothing like these. I lost 4 babies before losing Holden. I am no stranger to loss. But this loss...it's wearing on me. Losing the other babies was hard...at the time and for quite some time after, but nothing like this. I do not want to take away from the love I felt for those babies by any means, but I simply had not gotten the chance to know them. I lost my first baby as I was finding out I was pregnant. I lost my second baby 12 weeks into my pregnancy, I hadn't yet felt the baby move and we did not know the sex of the baby yet. I lost the third baby at around 8-9 weeks. The fourth baby I lost in the first 24 hours of knowing about the pregnancy. I was devastated after each loss, but for me personally, I think the pain and sorrow was more for what could have been. I was mourning the child that would never come to live with us, the child I would never know. This loss, the loss of Holden, is different. Much different. I knew him. I knew his movements, I knew his  name, I knew he was a boy, I knew he was perfect.

My pregnancy was a surprise this time. We hadn't planned on me having any more children. I had finally gotten to a point in my life where I was ok with that idea. Of course I would welcome any child into my heart, life and home, no matter how they arrived. Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and I knew that I wanted a lot of children. My husband and I both knew from early on that we wanted to foster children and adopt. About 3 years ago, we started the process to become a licensed foster home. We were finished having children, so this seemed to be the most logical next step in our lives. Within 6 months of starting the process, we got our license. A few months later, we got our first foster placement. Within 3 weeks of getting our first placement, we got a call from a family member about a perfect baby boy. Long story short, we brought him home about 24 hours after we found out about him, and his adoption was final 6 months later. Our house, and our hearts were full! Five boys, two girls...

I found out in October of 2016 that we were expecting a baby. I found out about the pregnancy two days after our long term foster went to be with his forever family. We were shocked, we were surprised, we were ecstatic!

A few weeks into my pregnancy, I started spotting. I was horrified, I had been through enough of that to know that it never turned out well. By the time I made it to the see the doctor, it was more than just spotting. I was so relieved when the ultrasound tech immediately saw his heartbeat. The bleeding ended up being from a tear in my placenta. A few weeks of taking it easy and things were back to normal.

I found out the week before Thanksgiving that we were expecting a healthy baby boy.

At this point, we still had not "officially" announced our big news so the weekend after Thanksgiving, we officially shared our news with the world. "We are going to have another baby!"

We were settling in to our new normal, celebrating Christmas, gearing up to get things ready to welcome our new baby boy. We were really looking forward to the new year. 2017 was supposed to be the best year ever.

We made it 10 days into the new year before our world was turned upside down. I had a routine checkup scheduled for Tuesday, January 10, 2017. My husband was off work that day so he stayed at home with the kids so I could go to the visit. It was just a checkup so we hadn't planned on him joining me.

The visit started out like all of the others. They checked my weight, my blood pressure, and asked if I had been having any problems. In my mind, things had actually been looking up. My bleeding from earlier had stopped and I had been feeling pretty good. The nurse had me lay down, she pulled out the Doppler so we could check his heartrate. At first, when she could not find it immediately, I was not concerned. He liked to move around and she just figured he was hiding out. As she continued to try, I was feeling a little uneasy and asked if she would order an ultrasound, and she immediately agreed. She left the room and came back a few minutes later with an ultrasound technician. The tech tried for a few minutes and still was unable to find a heartbeat. By this time, I was genuinely worried, but still felt like everything would be ok. There must be some explanation. She took me to the ultrasound room and had me lay down. She got started immediately and that is when I knew something was wrong. I saw the concern on her face, and as she was measuring him, I didn't see the little flicker of his heart. I prayed to God that I was mistaken, and that he really was ok. She measured and looked for what seemed like forever. I continued to pray that my baby boy was ok. She left the room and came back with the doctor. He confirmed my worst fear. My baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was devastated. I was alone. I didn't know what to do. He took me back into exam room and we talked about my options. He was going to have the nurse call the hospital and have everything scheduled for me to check in later that night.

I had to leave the office alone, in the most emotional pain I had ever been in. I could not call my husband. I could not tell him the worst news of his life over the phone. I sucked it up, I drove to the grocery store to pick up my groceries. I lost it on the poor guy who loaded the groceries into my car and I drove home. I made it to the house, messaged my husband to have the kids unload the groceries. He immediately saw the look on my face. I had to sit in my car, in the driveway, and through tears and sobbing, I had to tell my husband that our son was gone.

to be continued...