this week

This week I should be packing my bags for the hospital. I should be making sure all of my baby laundry has been washed, sorted and put away. I should be picking out a going home outfit for my precious baby. I should be making sure his car seat was safely buckled into my car. I should be grocery shopping to make sure there is enough food in the house while I am in the hospital. I should be making last minute arrangements to make sure that the kids will be taken care of and shuffled to activities. I should be making sure my house is clean, my laundry is done and that all of my last minute details are taken care of. I should be going to the doctor for one last check up. I should be going to the hospital to have blood work done. I should be happy.

Instead, I am trying to find things to do to keep my mind busy. I am trying to think of something meaningful to do on Friday, the day that my baby should be making is big entrance. I am trying to just make it through the day.

I am still trying to process my loss. I am still trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still heartbroken. I am still in shock. I am still in disbelief.

This week should be building up to one of the most beautiful days of my life. Instead, I am trying to figure out how I am going to make it through that day. It won't be THE saddest day of my life, but it will be in the top 3. That day should be spent at the hospital, holding and loving on my precious newborn baby boy. It should be spent with my family all meeting the newest member. It should be spent with my older children arguing over who will be holding the baby next. It should be spent taking pictures and laughing. It should be spent with visitors telling us who Holden most looks like.

Life has a funny way of turning us upside down. Life is full of surprises, both good and bad. Back in October, I got one of the best surprises of my life when I found out we would be having a precious baby. In January, I got one of the worst surprises of my life when I found out our precious baby was gone.

She was brave

and strong

and broken

all at once.

-Anna Funder