sadness and joy, part 2

As if telling my husband that our son was gone wasn't already the hardest thing I had ever had to do, I had to somehow face my children. I knew that there was no way I could tell them.

I made it inside and went directly into my room. I climbed into bed and sobbed. I could hear my husband in the other room telling the children what had happened. I heard them burst into tears and sob themselves. It broke my heart not being able to comfort them and tell them things were going to be ok. It broke my heart knowing how much they had been looking forward to their little brother's arrival. My kids are amazing. They love with all they have and they were so excited to be getting a new baby brother.

I got a call shortly after being home, confirming my arrival time at the hospital. I somehow was able to get up, throw a bag together with what I thought we would need. I had no idea how long we would be gone. I had spoken with the doctor while still in the office about the process and what to expect, but no one knew how long it might take.

I had to arrange for my mother to come and care for the children in our absence. I still don't know how I made it through that conversation. I know it started with a text that probably read something like, 'I need you..." and she came.

Once we got to the hospital and checked in, we were told a little more about what we could expect. I was going to be given medicine to induce labor. My doctor wanted me to actually deliver Holden. How bittersweet that was. All of my other biological children were delivered via caesarean section. I was going to be given the chance to experience labor after all. He explained the possible dangers, but we both felt like I could do it. Some of the difficulties I was possibly facing were: emergency c-section, hysterectomy, ruptured uterus, blood transfusion, extreme blood loss and of course death.

Shortly after arriving, the medicine was started. I was supposed to receive an epidural immediately because my doctor felt that it would speed things along if I was more relaxed. The nurse in charge decided against it.

Some dear friends of ours, more like close family, came to us the night we arrived. They prayed over us and talked with us, cried with us and loved on us. I honestly don't think we would have made it through the first night without them. They were our shelter in the storm that night. They were our gift from God, he knew we needed them.

The contractions started that night, but they weren't strong. I did not sleep at all that night, not a single wink. That night, I had the most amazing angel of a nurse. She spent time with me, she hugged me, she loved on me and she prayed over me. She spent a lot of time in my room with me just talking to me and getting to know me. She was truly what I needed that night. All day the following day was a blur. The doctor came in to check on me in the morning and was not happy that the epidural had not been started. At some point, the anesthesiologist came in and got me all hooked up. By this time, the contractions were really starting to pick up, but I was just not progressing. We continued to discuss the possibility of a c-section. I did not want to have to do it that way. I was already angry to be going through all of this anyway, I certainly did not want to have a major surgery on top of it all. I prayed over and over for God to allow me to deliver Holden without surgical intervention. I had my friends and family praying as well.

We had a few visitors during the course of the day and night to help keep our minds from getting stuck in the present. When the doctor came by after work to check on me, I still had not progressed like he would have hoped. He basically gave me until Thursday morning to deliver on my own. Throughout the course of the evening and overnight, I had to have my medicine adjusted. I don't do well with anesthesia, my heartrate likes to slow down to a dangerous rate, and my blood pressure likes to bottom out. Apparently I was scaring everyone with my slow breathing and deep sleep. I was rather enjoying my lack of consciousness and care; and the great sleep I was getting. Sometime overnight, the contractions got to the point that I didn't have a break between them. The nurse finally told me I was complete and ready to deliver once the doctor arrived. I felt such a huge sigh of relief.

The doctor arrived sometime around 7am, just as were both finally getting some good sleep. After chatting with me for a few minutes, he checked me and said we were ready. Holden was born sleeping at 7:55am on Thursday, January 12, 2017. He was perfect, he was beautiful and he looked just like Ian and Landyn.

In the midst of the chaos around us, we heard a knock at the door. God had sent the most precious angel to our rescue. She came to lay hands on us and pray for us. At the time, she had no idea what was happening inside. She had no idea how badly we needed her at that exact moment. She prayed over us, hugged and kissed us, told us she loved us and left as quickly as she had come.

We had the hospital chaplain come in and perform a private ceremony for us. It was perfect. After the ceremony, we were able to spend some time alone with our sweet boy. The hospital sent a photographer in to get some pictures for us and we were able to take some of our own. We ended up getting to spend about an hour and a half with our boy.

We said hello and goodbye to him in the same day. Saying our final goodbye was the hardest thing we have ever had to do.

I didn't want to kiss you goodbye,

that was the trouble;

I wanted to

kiss you goodnight

And there's a lot of difference.

As if saying goodbye and letting him go wasn't hard enough, we still had to fill out paperwork to be able to obtain a DEATH certificate for our son and allow the funeral home to come and pick him up. We had to sign an authorization to have him cremated. We should have been filling out paperwork for a BIRTH certificate; no one should have to go through what we have this past year.

to be continued...