the rest of my life without you...

the rest of my life without you...I am trying to learn how to live the rest of my life without you. Some days I don't feel like I am doing a very good job of it.

On Thursday, January 12, 2017, I delivered a beautiful baby boy. His name is Holden. I learned a few days earlier at a routine check up, that he had no heartbeat. He was scheduled to arrive on May 26. I was almost 20 weeks pregnant.

He looked perfect, he was fully developed, but he was so tiny. To this day, we still don't know what happened. I think that is part of the reason I am having such a hard time with this. I know I would have a hard time regardless, but I feel like if I had known the reason, I could have wrapped my brain around it. My heart would be broken no matter the reason, but at least my brain would have an answer.

It's been exactly four months since we lost him. Four long, hard months. In the beginning, I cried most of the day, every day. As time has gone on, I don't seem to cry as much, although it is still at least once or twice a day. Nights are still particularly hard though.

I have met a lot of wonderful people along my journey, people that have helped me more than they will ever know. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through this ordeal without them. There is just something comforting about talking with other women who have walked this path. It is not a path anyone wants to walk, it is a sad and very lonely path. I have been surprised at all of the women who have reached out to me to share their stories. Each one of them has a unique story to tell, no two have been the same. They are all strong and amazing women.

As I have been going through my grieving process, I have come across several amazing memorial pieces that have been of great help to me. I found a soft teddy bear urn it has a velcro enclosure in it's back with a velvet pouch to hold  ashes. I also ordered a glass heart infused with some of his ashes and a ring with his ashes as well.

Right after Holden passed, two sweet friends gifted us with blankets. The first one is a full sized fuzzy throw blanket for me, with a Bible verse in one corner and his name in the other. The second one was for Holden. It is a baby sized blanket with his name embroidered in the corner. Both blankets have been such a blessing to me. I have found that having tangible items to hold lessens the sting. Of course it will never be a replacement, but these are physical objects that the kids, my husband and I can hold, snuggle and cry with. 

I keep myself busy with the things I do.

But every time I pause, I think of you.