christmas is the time of year...

Christmas is the time of year
For being with the one's we love
Sharing so much joy and cheer
What a wonderful feelin
Watching the one's we love
Having so much fun

But what happens when the ones you love have gone on before you?

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I loved seeing the lights, the trees, the decorations. I loved driving around to look at lights, sipping hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music. I loved watching Christmas movies. People generally seem to be in the Christmas spirit and are nicer to one another. I've never minded the crowds or the hustle and bustle of Christmas, I enjoyed being around others, shopping and the all around mood of the season. I loved taking the kids the kids to see the mall Santa.

This time last year, I was dreaming of how different this Christmas would be. I was thinking that 2017 would be our best year yet. We would once again have a baby in the house, a baby celebrating his first Christmas. I would have one more little one to buy for, one more little one to coordinate an outfit for a visit to see Santa, one more baby to love. One more name on our yearly family ornament.

When I dreamed of how this Christmas would be different, I never even imagined that it would be this kind of different.

I saw this on a Facebook page of another bereaved mother, and I instantly connected with her and all of the other loss moms. In one split second, I connected with  moms from all over the world that I've never even met. I felt closer to them at that moment than I have to people I have known for my entire life.

The holiday season has begun

but something doesn't feel right,

Baby's First Christmas is around the corner

but my baby is nowhere in sight.

Holidays are different now,

they've lost some color and cheer.

Happiness is still present

but it's joined by heartache and tears.

This isn't the Christmas I pictured,

or the wonderland I saw in my dreams,

because my arms are empty

and my heart stitched with crooked seams.

Christmas lights don't shine as bright,

the songs are hard to hear.

Words like "Merry" and "Joy"

don't bring me holiday cheer.

This Christmas isn't the same for me,

my heartache grows as the holiday nears.

Because this is my Baby's First Christmas

but my baby isn't here.
-Evelyn Noelle

I don't think this could have been more perfect, even if I had written it myself. I just cannot seem to get into the "Christmas Spirit" this year. It doesn't seem like Christmas at all. Part of my world is missing. We have started our annual Christmas traditions already and I just cannot seem to kick this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, sorrow and despair. I'm surrounded by a family who loves me, my home is filled with a husband and children who adore me. I am sad. I am broken. I miss my boy so much. It physically hurts.

I have been trying to find the perfect ornament for him. I want a special ornament for our tree for Holden, for his first Christmas, just like I have for my other children. None of them seem right. I have searched all of my normal places and I keep coming up empty. Nothing seems to fit, I don't love them. I want to love it. I want it to make me happy when I see it . One of my oldest, and dearest friends made an ornament for him and it is perfect, I love it and I love her for making it, but I also want him to have a first Christmas ornament like his siblings. Everything just seems so hard. We picked out our 2017 family ornament, I cried. It seems like lately everything hits me like a punch in the gut. I can no longer seem to make it through an entire day. I know it is because Christmas is coming, and  he isn't here.

I want to do something to honor him this Christmas, something special. I have no idea what I want to do. Nothing I think of seems to be "good enough" or "special enough" for my perfect boy. What I really want is for him to be here, with me, with us. I thought it would be getting a little easier by now, I thought I would think of him and smile. Instead, I get up every morning to have my heart break all over again.

It's been 11 months. My baby would be 11 months old today, but instead, he's been in heaven for 11 months. Exactly one month from today, it will have been 1 whole year since I saw his perfect little face, held his tiny little body and kissed him hello, and goodbye.