mia...

I've been MIA lately. It seems like life has been ridiculously busy. I finally feel like things are starting to slow back down, thankfully. Nothing really new or exciting has been happening either, just busy. Sometimes busy is a blessing. Sometimes busy keeps my mind out of my own head. But sometimes, busy is just too much. Lately, our busy has been a little much for me.

Our busy lately has kept us away from home, or kept us away from each other. A lot. That is the kind of busy I don't do well with. I am still not where I want to spend time around a lot of other people. That has just been a personal choice for me. I will say though that I am doing a little better around people in general. We had several days worth of dance recitals last weekend and I enjoyed getting to see the kids show off what they have been working so hard on these last few months. Our oldest son has been having quite a few live shows lately and I have really enjoyed those as well. Listening to him do what he loves to do always puts a smile on my face. It takes me to a place I like to be. It removes me from my reality, even if only for a little while. I was able to get out one morning last week and spend some much needed adult only time with a sweet friend. That was nice, and I got pretty toes out of the deal too!

Things have been weird lately. I cannot really describe it. Weird seems to be the best description. It's kind of like I am walking around in a cloud of altered reality. I am not completely numb, but I am indifferent I guess. I seem to have less tolerance for outside things  than I did before and I am not completely sure how I feel about that. I mean, the lack of drama has been nice, but I don't feel like "me" either. There has to be a middle ground, and I guess eventually I will figure out what that is. It seems to take such effort to do anything outside the comfort of my home and my people. On the flip side, things between my husband and I have never been better. Not that they were ever bad, or even not good, just different. Deeper. I am heartbroken at the circumstances, but I am happy with the outcome of our relationship. That may sound weird, but I have heard in so many instances, that death of a child or certain traumas can, and do, tear relationships apart. I am happy that we are not part of those statistics.

We have faced a lot of trauma this year, not only the loss of a child, but a change in other areas of our personal life. Shortly after losing Holden, we were faced with making some hard, and possible life altering decisions. We have been struggling to keep our heads above water, praying for things to change. Praying for answers and for direction in our lives. We still don't know what those answers are, but we are praying that God will reveal them to us soon. I am beyond blessed to be able to walk through this life with my best friend, with him, I feel like I can do anything.  

I am asking you, if you are reading this, would you please pray for us? Pray that we will get the answers to the questions we have. Pray that we will receive the direction that we so desperately need right now. So many things are up in the air right now and there are so many unknowns.

Please know that we (our family, our marriage, our health) are ok. We are just facing some life changes that we are not ready to publicly share.

Thank you friends!

my husband

My husband is amazing. I know everyone thinks that way about their husbands, or at least they should, but I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world. My husband has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me this year. I honestly do not know how I would have made it through any of this without him. He has always been my rock, my knight in shining armor and the love of my life, but this year, he has really stepped it up and taken on a new role. I assume part of it is because I have recently stepped down from some of mine. I have always been a strong, independent person. I have never fully had to rely on anyone for anything. I have always just looked out for myself and taken care of things. This year, that seems so much harder for me. I find myself relying on my husband for emotional support like never before. I find myself leaning on him just to make it through the day. I find myself relying on him for emotional stability.

We have always been close. He's always been my best friend. We have always done everything together and tried to spend every moment possible together and with our family.  Since losing Holden though, it has moved to a different level of closeness. I feel a deeper connection to him than I ever have. A closeness that I just cannot explain. I have heard so many people say that the loss of a child will do one of two things to your marriage; tear it apart or make it stronger. I am so very blessed to be walking beside such a strong Godly man during this horrific time in our lives. He has lead our family with such tenderness and love. He has had a lot piled on him this year and I am so very proud of the way he has handled all of it. He is processing things in his own way, and that is his story to tell.

I wish I could go back and undo all of the horrific things that we have been through this year, but I can't. No parents should ever have to go through what we have. No parent should have to say goodbye to their child. That isn't the way life is supposed to happen, but it does. I am just thankful that I have the most amazing man to join me along this journey. If one positive thing has come from any of this, it's the new depth of our relationship. That part I would never change. I have never felt closer to my husband than I do now. I have never need him more than I do now.

I love him more than he will ever know. I love him most...

We have not had a weekend alone together in almost 13 years. We used to take weekends away together at least once a month, if not more, before our youngest set of kids came along. When our oldest two were younger, it was much easier to take a weekend for ourselves. Since the last group came along, it has been much harder. The ONLY times we have been away from the younger ones is when we have been at the hospital having another one. I wouldn't exactly call that a weekend alone. Finally, after almost 13 years, we are taking some time away. Just the two of us. I am looking forward to our time alone. I am excited about getting some time for just the two of us. I will admit, I am a bit nervous about being away from our babies, but I am ready. This guy is amazing and I can't wait to have him all to myself!

May 26, 2017

My caesarean section was scheduled for Friday, May 26th, 2017. We should have been meeting our sweet boy that morning around 7:30am. Instead, we spent the day trying to honor him in the best way we knew how.

We had some things to take care of that morning. My husband was going to go tend to them by himself, but it worked out that I was able to go with him. We got a much  needed morning to ourselves. We ran a few errands then had lunch. After lunch, we came home and picked up the kids. After much debate, we finally decided to release balloons and each of us would attach a note that we had personally written to Holden.

It wasn't exactly what I had planned to do for the day, but it turned out to be a really sweet tribute to our boy. The kids really enjoyed getting to be a huge part of the day. They miss him and I am glad we can do things to make them feel connected to their baby brother.

I spent the rest of the day with my wonderful husband. We have really been needing some time alone. One of the kids had a long evening of dance and one had a show so we were able to have dinner while we waited to pick up and drop off the first kid, then head to the show afterward. It was a nice break from reality.

While we were out, I got a call saying that I had received flowers. My dear friend sent me the most beautiful flowers. She has always been such a blessing to me.

One thing that has been a constant source of joy for me since our loss has been our oldest son's music. He has been having shows pretty consistently, that gives me something to look forward to. I can get lost in the music and let my mind relax. Most of the time when my mind rests, it tends to go to places of sadness and darkness. I am thankful that I have an outlet for those days when things seem to be at their worst. I am able to find pure joy and happiness in my children and my husband.

May 26th ended up being nothing like I had ever imagined it would be. I imagined holding my precious newborn son and introducing him to his adoring siblings. I imagined what he would look like. I imagined what it would be like seeing him for the first time, discovering who he most looked like. I imagined a tiny, sweet baby boy nuzzling me and looking at me to protect him from the world around him. I imagined seeing the look on his daddy's face the very first time he saw him. I imagined his older siblings fighting over who was going to hold him first. I imagined what it would be like to have a brand new beautiful baby boy.

Instead, I spent my day trying to make it through...I am grateful that I got to spend it with the ones I love the most.