I saw this quote, and it really speaks to me. "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen right now. Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's timing!" That is deep for me right now. I have never been a person who was good at sitting and waiting for things to happen, especially things that I wanted, or thought I needed. This quote really hits home with me right now though. In my last post, I asked for prayers. I asked for prayers because we need direction. I asked for prayers because there are a lot of things going on in our life right now, things that we cannot handle on our own. We need a change in our lives, I know God is in control, but sometimes it is hard to sit and wait. I am trying. I am trying to sit, and I am trying to wait. We know in our hearts that good things are coming, we don't know when, but we know they are. We don't know why we are going through the things we are, we just have to trust that things will get better.
This year has been hard. I would say the worst year I have ever had, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have tried to be open, honest and transparent in our struggles, or at least in my own struggles. I don't feel that it is fair that I share anyone else's struggles, that is their story to tell.
This year, I have experienced a lot of loss. I have experienced the loss of a child. I have experienced the loss of the security I once felt. I have experienced the loss of friendships and acquaintances. I have experienced the loss of a social life that I once enjoyed. I have experienced the loss of an every day normal that I once took advantage of. I have experienced losses that I am not yet ready to share, and that I may never be ready to share.
Through the loss and heartbreak, I have tried to remain positive and faithful. I have tried to remain faithful to what I believe. I am only human and sometimes that is hard. I am not saying that my faith was rocked, or that for once I did not believe that there is a loving, faithful and compassionate God. I am saying that I did question why we have had the year from hell, I did question why I have had to suffer so many losses in my life. I did question, why me?? I did question why my baby? I have questioned, why my life, why our life? I don't know the answers, I don't know why half of my babies are in heaven, I don't know why our life took the turn it did, I probably never will. Each time I start to feel helpless, I remember that there is a God who loves me. I know there is a plan for my life, I don't know what that plan is, but I know it is there.
A lot of things have changed in our lives this year, most of them have not been for the better, but I try to remain positive. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I have six happy, healthy, and beautiful living children, I have an amazing husband and a loving family and wonderful friends.
Since my last post asking for prayers, there have been no clear answers or clear direction for us. I ask that you continue to pray for us. We have a lot going on and we still need that direction and clarity.
Meanwhile, I am going to try to remember that everything happens in God's perfect timing, not my own.
